Well.

Here we are at the end of December.

Finally.

Christmas has come and gone, presents have not been sent yet because I am slow and so is shipping, and I still haven’t found the fucks I used to give to it.

This is the first year my family has been apart for Christmas in the 20 years since Andy and I spent our first Christmas together. This year, with my Rory living halfway across the country from us, was hard for me. Very, very hard.

Actually, let's be completely honest. It was almost impossible.

From crying, to yelling, to silence and venom, to back to crying again. I know quite well that I am thoroughly blessed to have Andy love me…and put up with my crazy…and still be here at the end of it all. I know I did not make these last few days easy on him…

I am pretty sure he misses the hell out of her too.

Damn it.

I know that the whole point of parenting is to make sure your kids can live their own lives, but nobody ever gives you the real story. People tell you to suck it up, and get over it, that you'll be happier when your kids leave the nest, you'll finally have some time of your own, but…when your Rory leaves you… Well, that's just it, isn't it?

Your Rory leaves you.

Nobody gets the things I say anymore, or the jokes that I make. I am constantly telling Andy “You have no idea. Alyson would get it. She would think it was hilarious.” Nobody shares new songs with me, or remembers that one time, or reads people and their stories with me while people-watching. Nobody cries over the Winchesters or the Salvatores with me anymore or throws sarcastic cynicism around like it's parade candy.

I am glad this holiday season is almost over. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just want to focus on things that really need to be done. Like sewing Andy some pajama pants and a Metamorphic dress for myself.

Or, you know, installing a hot water heater and some bedroom walls.

Whatever.

All I can do is be glad it is over and cross my fingers that 2021 is as fruitful and productive a year as 2020 was, and that we once again have the opportunity to be with our Rory for Christmas.

Merry Humbug, er Christmas. I hope you have a good ending to 2020, and that 2021 brings some shiny new vibrations to your energy.