Finding Refuge
It's been a month since I've posted anything.
A month since I turned 40.
A month since life was semi-normal. At least, my version of normal.
A month in which I learned to paddleboard, and thoroughly enjoyed it. If you know anybody who has some extra boards just laying around, feel free to send them my way. My bus roof is definitely long enough to carry a few!
A month where we “discovered” the Wildlife Refuge that we always knew was there, but never went to. Beautiful. Peaceful. Close. You can still hear the highway noise.
A month that had us packing up our daughter's apartment and hauling her life halfway across the country…and coming back without her. I keep reminding myself that I won't be here in another week so it shouldn't matter that she left first, and that we live on wheels! We can go visit her whenever we get the itch!
A month that saw our beautiful Turbo cross from my familiar to ghost kitty after 18 years, 16 of which were with our family loving the kids, snuggling, and getting lippy with me.
A month in which our future traveling plans have changed repeatedly until I now have no idea where we are going to be next week. No certain plan makes my mind a jumble of chaos. One of my 2020 lessons is letting go of control. Spirit picked a fine time to force the issue.
A month that has seen more feathers in my path than all 39 previous years combined.
A month of clarity that has helped me close some doors in my life that I no longer need open.
A month of sitting at the computer being completely unable to spit my thoughts from my fingertips.
I took a walk through the Wildlife Refuge the other day, and thought I'd take the camera along so all of our footage isn't JUST bus footage. I found that carrying a camera on my wooded trail walk was exactly what I needed. I gave all of my footage to Andy and told him to do as he pleased with it. When I watched it with him, I cried.
When he told me he thought I should make my own video, I laughed and told him not a chance. The next two and a half days I spent on his computer, editing footage and creating a video, then posting it on a brand new YouTube channel for all the world to see.
Hopefully as few people watch it as read these posts.
Good thing I guess I don't mind sharing my vulnerabilities with others. It helps when you make the realization that other people's opinions of you are none of your business, and are also completely unimportant.
Andy's opinion of me is important.
My kid's opinions of me are important.
My immediate family's opinions of me are important…sometimes.
My opinion of me is important.
Posting this video, hearing my feelings in such a raw context was scary, definitely one of the hardest things I've ever done. I can truly say I needed it and it was a blessing, after all, Look ma! I’m writing!
I do believe I've said this before and I hate repeating myself (even though I could swear I do it all the time): Don't let fear stop you from doing the hard stuff.
You are NOT alone.
