Lessons
I’m still here.
I promise.
What I do NOT promise, however, is to stick to the subject. My mind is a little bouncy these days; there are too many things to think about for it to follow a straight path.
Somehow I failed to realize just how busy I would be working full time and being at the bus the rest of the time. Not my brightest moment, but in all the excitement somehow I had convinced myself that it was a good idea.
My routine for awhile there was to work from 8 A.M. to 5 P.M., go home and eat, head to the bus and work there until 9 or 10 P.M., then go home to bed. Which would probably have been fine, except that I wasn’t sleeping well. Waking up at 3 AM, wide awake and not being able to get back to sleep, or waking up for 30 - 40 minutes at a time throughout the night. That went on for a few weeks before I told my boss that I couldn’t do it anymore.
Can I just say that it was hard to do that? For years I’ve lived society’s life, being a good little worker bee and doing what I’m “supposed” to do. Now that I’ve realized this life I live is MINE and “society” can shove it, it’s gotten easier each time I choose what’s best for me. Now, I am working at the greenhouse part-time and working on the bus full time. Whether it is shopping for the inside of the bus, picking out fabric and marine vinyl for the walls and ceiling, or doing demo and laying sub-floor and…hopefully…learning to weld, I am doing it and thoroughly enjoying it.
A bonus I hadn’t planned on was the effect this whole thing has had on our relationship. We’ve had our ups and downs like most married couples, but this space we’re in feels so different than ever before, so much lighter. I know it makes a huge difference in both of our mental states to not have the house hanging over us. It makes a huge difference for Andy to be without a 9-5 job for the first time in 33 years, and I am much happier now that I don’t have to send him out the door every morning. It’s something I’ve been waiting impatiently for.
Hmm.
My girlfriend said there are a lot of lessons being learned right now, and a lot of people letting things go - releasing all the old ish that holds them back, letting go of all the hurt feelings carried around, leaving the fear in the past. I believe that. I can see it. I can feel it in the air. I think that’s why last week was such a shit show.
I told my sister that it felt like I walked into a pitch-black room and the door closed behind me. Finding the doorknob to get out was a bitch. I didn’t realize just how much garbage I was holding onto. I thought I let it all go with the last Full Moon of 2019, but apparently, there was some left, biding its time until I wasn’t expecting it. Three solid days of randomly crying out of nowhere. Three days of listening to the bitch in my head override everything else and making me deal with things I didn’t realize I needed to.
Talking to someone helped. Having a conversation with that bitch in my head helped. Having Andy be who he is and act the way he does helped.
That’s the hard part though, isn’t it? That talking to someone. That opening yourself up to being vulnerable, to being judged. That initial communication that is so hard to push through your lips. I always found it easier to write my feelings than to talk about them, because it always feels easier to be vulnerable on paper than in person.
Pretty sure that was part of MY lesson. Communication. Mostly communication with myself and with that bitch in my head.
I bet there are a lot of people learning that particular lesson right now. If you need to communicate with someone, do it. Pick someone. Start a random conversation in YouTube comments or Instagram. Send me an email or a message. Write a letter and burn it. Write a letter and send it. Write in a journal. Blog it. Whatever helps you.
It is ok to be vulnerable.
It is ok to need someone.
It is ok to not be ok.
It is ok to ask for help.
It is ok to tell that voice in your head, constantly trying to hold you back, to take a long walk off a short pier.
It is ok to choose you.
